Who’s that girl?
When I look in the mirror these days, I don’t see myself as I am. I can’t see my fat, I can only see me. When I look at photographs, however, I can’t recognize that person. That person is not me. That fat person is not who I am.
That fat person is not in control of her life or her self. She doesn’t dress as nicely as I want to. She seems to have given up. From her elastic waist skirts to her too tight wedding rings to her chins. Who is that person? Do I have to accept her before I can change her? Why is she me?
Why can’t she go for a run? Why can’t she eat healthy foods when she is hungry? Why can’t she get herself out of this? She’s smart, she’s funny – but I can’t see that. All I see is fat. Go away fat! I feel like I’m trying to swim against a very strong current and if I let it carry me away I will be lost forever.
Food, glorious food
What the hell is this unearthly allure about food? Why can’t it just be that thing we do when we are hungry? When I observe my own eating habits (which can take up every minute of the day) I find that I eat when I am bored, unhappy, overwhelmed, happy, tired but very rarely when I am hungry. I seem to treat food like some sort of medicine. “I’m miserable, this will fix me up”, reaches for cake. What the hell is with that?! I know better than that.
I eat, snack, graze all day long. When I look in the mirror at my large self, the first thing I want to do is eat (usually whilst writing up a new diet plan). The only thing I don’t do is eat in front of the television – but guess what? I don’t watch much television. I am so screwed up about food issues. How does that happen?
I think part of the problem (for me) is the immediacy of food. I can’t think of anything else that I can get so easily to make me feel better. For a lazy person like moi its too simple – just grab and go. Don’t have to think, don’t have to deal with any issues, just keep chewing. Well, I guess there we have my first revelation – my laziness is part of the problem. I would prefer to eat my way through life’s issues than deal with them. Now what do I do?
Houston, we have a problem
So I bought a set of scales the other day (my first mistake) and then I weighed myself (second mistake). I am fat – in fact I am really fat. I am too ashamed to write how much I weigh here now, I will eventually, but right now i’m still dealing with the numbers. Man, I needed that reality check though.
Don’t you hate the way that fat just sneaks up on you? Your head doesn’t let you in on the secret immediately and then before you know it, you are down to two outfits and they are getting tight. Just happily eating along and boom – fat strikes.
Now I want to lose weight, I desperately want to lose weight. I have been steadily putting on weight for the past 5 years and of course I have been intermittently dieting and exercising for those 5 years – the only thing that has happened is that I am getting bigger. Have you noticed that the bigger your body gets, the smaller your self-esteem gets? I hate that. I need the self-esteem to help get me through this!
So I’m not sure what I’m going to do about it. Eating less and moving more – I know that, everyone knows that. It’s the doing that is so hard. So whilst I have tried everything before (oh except to sticking to the plan!) I am going to add blogging about my issues to my arsenal. Lets see if that helps – let the games begin.
